Diva Coach Dabney

August 12, 2010

Do What you say…and your children will do as you do!

Filed under: Diva Speaks,Parenting — Tags: diva tips, oprah, parent, parent role model, Parenting Skills, role model, talk show, video blog — Dabney @ 2:00 pm

Hello my fabulous friends!

This will be the last time I will share Diva Tips with you on our Diva Speaks blog. Going forward, if you would like to receive Diva Tips and News please sign in by using the opt in box on the right. You will then receive my fabulous newsletter directly in your mailbox two times per month! In the upcoming weeks I will be sharing some exciting information with you and ramping up our Diva work. I am beyond jazzed about finding my love of video as a way of staying in touch with you all. In my post below…you will hear how that happened. It was life changing for me. The end result is I did something I was not comfortable with and fell in love with the process. So, you will be hearing and seeing much more of me in future posts and newsletters. Enjoy this edition of Diva Tips and please leave comments below. I just love hearing your thoughts…your experiences…your lessons learned. I look forward to starting some fabulous conversations here…it is our very own special place to connect! xoxo

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Diva Tip

Do as you say…and your children will do as you do

Did you hear that Oprah called? Well….she didn’t call me. For those of you who may have missed it, Oprah held a contest for people who wanted to “win” their own talk show. I entered the contest and was touched and amazed at the support I received and the number of people who voted for me. Unfortunately, I did not place in the top three…and Oprah will not be calling. Not yet anyway! But, the experience taught a valuable lesson worth far more than winning an Oprah contest. If you missed it, here it is.

I wanted to take the time to thank all of you who supported me and took the time to watch and vote on my video. More importantly, I wanted to share the entire “behind the scenes” story with you, and a very big lesson I have learned.

Like many women who share my passion of helping others, I have always admired and wished to emulate Oprah. It is my secret dream to have my own show and take my message to a larger platform. The truth is, I know I can do it…and I know I can do it well. So, when the contest became available I spoke about making the entry video for several weeks. Yet, I never took action. Then one day, the little diva asked me when I was going to make the video. I answered honestly, telling her I have a fear of really putting myself out there…fear of the camera…fear of the judging…fear of losing.

And this is what my little diva told me…and I quote, “But mommy…you tell your clients all of the time that they need to step out of their fear and into their greatness…you need to do the same thing. You have always wanted to be on Oprah, and now you can get your own show. You must do it”.

Wow…can you say wow?

So there I was….wishing to emulate Oprah. And, there was the little diva…emulating me and what I teach every single day. I was called out by her… I was not doing what I say…and I was asking everyone around me, including my children, to do as I say…not as I do.

What choice did I have now? I took action. The little diva was my film crew, my makeup artist and my director. The entire video was her production. With two days left until the deadline and because my daughter had taught me a very big lesson, I made a video, uploaded it and entered the contest. Many people who entered the contest had elaborate videos….and then there was mine…simply produced with love by my eleven year old daughter. I could not be more proud. My mantra? Go ahead judge me…I am fabulous.

So what was the lesson learned? It is this….Do as you say and your children will learn to do what you do.

As a parent, I can tell you that I was amazed that my daughter was listening and learning from me when I was not looking. It is during the everyday moments of life that our children can learn the most. They are watching and listening to our every word and action. I have spoken of this for years while working with parents. It was not until this experience that I fully came to appreciate the value of this lesson.

So I ask you…do your children emulate you? Do you like what you see? If not, take a closer look at your actions and words….and remember, we are our children’s best educators. Lead by example and don’t ask them to only do as you say…help them to see that what you say is really what you do.

Remember….we are all role models to our children, our friends, our peers and the world. We must not only talk the talk…but we must put on our most fabulous shoes and walk the walk!

Go! Divas! Go!

xoxo

Dabney

Diva Coach Dabney

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August 1, 2010

Tell me what you want…what you really, really want!

Filed under: Diva Speaks — Dabney @ 5:45 pm

Diva Tip

What you are comfortable with is not necessarily what will make you happy!

Hello my fabulous friends!

Just look at me…I did it! I stepped out of my fear of climbing that rock wall! The exhilaration of facing my fear, stepping out of my comfort zone and ringing that bell was beyond amazing!

I want to talk to you about stepping out of your comfort zone. In today’s Diva Tip I shared with you that what you are comfortable with is not necessarily what will make you happy. I want you to really think about these words.

Comfort…we all know it. Comfort is often found in the security of what we know and what we are used to. Take your career for example. Perhaps you have been working there for years…you have a routine, relationships and a consistent paycheck. It is familiar and safe. You are comfortable there. But…are you happy? Are you doing what you really, really love?

Let’s take this further….think about the relationships you are in. Are you happy or are you just comfortable? Are you setting boundaries and expectations of respect or are you being submissive because you don’t want to “rock the diva boat”?

Taking risks in life and stepping out of your comfort zone is so very important. Remember…if you keep giving the same you will always get the same. What areas of your life can you enhance by changing your expectations and goals?

It is time to step out of the pain of your past…and the fear of the future. Live now in the present moment. Get clear on what you really, really want. What do you dream of? Before you can capture your dreams and make them your reality…you must define what they are.

Talk to me….let me know what you think! If you have any questions or would like to enjoy a fabulous and free thirty minute strategy session on the Diva Line with me ….please drop me a diva message soon!

Keep soaring with that Diva Sparkle!

Go! Divas! Go!

xoxo

Dabney

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April 13, 2010

The Friendship Divorce

Filed under: Diva Speaks — Tags: boundries, Friendship, relationships, toxic friends — admin @ 4:23 pm

I often speak of divorce…and in most cases, I am speaking of the type of divorce that takes place between a married couple who has ended their marriage. Today however, I am talking about a different type of divorce….The Friendship Divorce.

Do you have friendship drama? Do you have relationships with friends that do not support you…lift you up…simply make you feel fabulous? If so…I ask you this….why do you remain in the relationship?

As women, I believe there is an unwritten code that tells us we must be loyal to a friend…through thick and thin….no matter what…even when the friendship is not doing anything but draining us and sometimes sabotaging us. Why is that? We are certainly told in regard to all other relationships to set boundaries…to not tolerate relationships that are unhealthy…and in marriages, divorce is an option. So, I am here to tell you…sometimes a Friendship Divorce is necessary.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned while going through my divorce experience with Mr. Ex, is that such a dramatic change in my life and in me…lead to a dramatic shift in the friendships I continued to keep. What I have come to realize through this and many other experiences, is that any dramatic shift within us, will alter the people you attract and keep in your life. Often, the people who have been there, may not understand or relate to the shift…and in situations such as these, we must reevaluate what is really going on. Many people will tell us to look inside ourselves for the answer…and believe me, as a Life Coach…I am a very big advocate for doing so. However, I am also an advocate for action steps and change when a situation is not healthy.

Words spoken by Oprah ring so clearly to me now, “When someone shows you who they really, really are…believe them the very first time”. As I listen to these words I realize…this is where I and most of you are lacking. Often behaviors that are unhealthy in a friendship will surface early and we do not want to see them. Do you really listen the first time? Are you afraid to admit to yourself when an amazing person you once so admired and confided in has already shown you who she really is…and for whatever reason, you have chosen to ignore the behavior? If so, ask yourself why. More importantly, realize that we are responsible for reinforcing and basically training people to treat us a certain way. By being passive and not setting boundaries…you actually tell that person that it is okay to treat you the way they have been. Are you training people to treat your poorly? Are you engaging in a toxic friendship?

Toxic is an extreme word, but the behavior in such relationships is often extreme. Toxic friends are those who drain you of your energy, are unsupportive, degrading and most importantly unequal in the shared friendship energy. In comparison, a rewarding and healthy friendship is one in which you feel uplifted, supported, encouraged and the energy is equal.

When any relationship is defined as toxic, the healthiest thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation. As discussed earlier, you may notice when looking inward…that you have known for some time that nothing you do will change the relationship. I always support a period of discussion with the toxic friend…setting of boundaries and expression of what you feel is lacking in the friendship and what is it you need. Often…a short break from the friendship is needed to gain clarity on both sides. Sometimes…and sadly…a permanent break is needed. It is what I always say…just as clearing your closet of things that no longer fit you will leave room for more fabulous clothes…clearing your life of friends who hold you back and drain you…will only make room for new and fabulous friends to come into your life.

Over time…friendships change. I am not saying to simply cut people out of your life without much thought…but really look into your relationships and perhaps you will see one or two that are toxic and need divorcing. It is like taking a long hot shower and using the most fabulous Diva Scrub….washing away the toxicity in your life. You may miss these relationships…but you will find that you will shine brighter…just as your skin does following a deep exfoliation. I promise.

Healthy relationships are like Diva Wings…they support you and give you the power to sparkle and soar. Don’t clip your wings by hanging onto toxic relationships….Let yourself soar….Go! Divas! Go!

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March 19, 2010

Pull On Your Big Girl Panties And Deal With It!

Filed under: Diva Speaks — Tags: Divorce, Parenting, Women Empowerment — admin @ 2:29 pm

It’s Time to Divorce Like a Diva!

On the day that my husband of 15 years moved out of our home, I sat in my friend’s whirlpool tub … jets soothing my body … glass of wine in hand (it was 9:30 in the morning but it was five o’clock somewhere). My good friend had come to my house and taken me to hers and “cared” for me. She did this so I wouldn’t be home when “he” packed his things. As I sat there with the bubbles swirling around me, I saw a plaque on her wall. It said, “Pull on your big girl panties and deal with it.” I knew at that moment that I had found my mantra. That is what I would do. I would find my power, I would not get bitter, I would get better. I would in fact, I told myself, Divorce like a Diva!

I made it through the day … I had been preparing for it for years. You heard me … I said years. Mr. Ex and I had been in therapy during those years and remained in therapy for months after he moved out. Our goal: To have a healthy divorce. So, I was prepared — I was ready — and we made the choice together.

Years later, I find myself staring at that same plaque that now rests on my desk. Each day, I am inspired by the words. Each day, I am thankful that my family, by choice and hard work is experiencing a healthy divorce.

More importantly, I now find myself in the role of being a successful life coach to other women who are now navigating their own journey of divorce. I am on a mission to “Change the world one Diva at a time.”

What does that really mean? Let me share my definition of the word Diva, as I use it in all of my work. I define a Diva as a strong and fabulous woman who believes in herself, her strengths and her talents. She knows what she wants and goes after her dreams with integrity. She is loving, compassionate and supports and encourages healthy relationships. A true diva is open to healing, growing and defining her life on her own terms.

I am passionate about helping women just like you, find their power and walk out of the role where they play victim to their divorce and into their own magnificence. You see, we all have a choice when faced with difficult situations. We make the choice to get bitter or get better. It is choice you must make. It is really that simple.

In my work, I often see adults who continue to experience the trauma of their parent’s divorce. I have come to realize that is not only the divorce that causes trauma, which affects children into adulthood. Yet, it is the way we as parents handle the divorce, and our reactions to it, which matter most. It is this pain that adult children of divorce still experience into adulthood. The continued trauma is in reaction to parents who were unable to handle their loss and turned it into anger, rage and depression. Of course, all of these factors significantly affect children and their development in childhood and often into their adult years.

Divorce will impact our children, that is certain. If we are careful — aware of our grief, our pain, the anger — and chose to address our issues and take responsibility for our emotional health, divorce will have a far less impact.

In both my group coaching course and my private coaching practice, I tell my clients they have Diva Wings… they have the ability to soar. It is by letting go of the past that they will be successful. By letting go of the pain and the anger, a person will make room for feelings of happiness and joy. It will be difficult work, and this is where the big girl panties are necessary. PULL THEM UP! Take your power back. It is important for you and your children.

So it is again the words on the plaque that I look at on my desk that draw me in. The plaque that my friend gave me on that painful day several years ago, as I sat in the tub, bubbles swirling around me. At that moment, I knew how I would handle my divorce and now I want you to know how you can handle yours.

Put on your Big Girl Panties and Deal with It!

Go! Divas! Go!
xoxo
Dabney

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March 17, 2010

Catch Them Being Good!

Filed under: Diva Speaks — Tags: Parenting, Parenting Skills, Teens — admin @ 6:09 pm

Hello my fabulous Divas!

I wanted to share a success story with you today. I have been coaching a new client for only two sessions and she and I are beyond thrilled with her success as a parent.

Last week, during our initial session, we discussed the issues she is facing with her thirteen old son. I will start by saying…he is your average teenage boy….smart, funny, witty, emotional…and most importantly, he is testing all boundaries. If you have a teenager, I am certain you are shaking your head…and letting out an oh so very deep sigh. Trust me, I get it…I have one too!

As with most of parents…we get tired…overwhelmed and focused on addressing issues that are happening in the moment. The problem with that, especially when it comes to parenting, is we often forget to catch our children being good. In the case of teenagers, these moments of goodness sometime seem to be rare, so it is even more important to notice and praise positive behavior.

So…in coaching my client, we discussed the importance of catching her son in these moments of good behavior. Because she had become so “stuck in the rut” of arguing, yelling, and overall negative parenting, it was the only real attention her son was receiving from her. It seemed important that she reconnect with her son so that she could see when such moments occurred.

In our goal-setting, I gave her a very simple task. She and her son would sit for 15 minutes every day. I coached her on the importance of telling her son that this time was not negotiable, he must meet with her. More importantly, she was to tell him that the time was for them to reconnect, because she misses him. We discussed the importance of telling her son, that the time was his…that she wanted to be able to sit with him and have a chance to tell him every day about how proud she is of him and his accomplishments during the day (or in the past, if the day was rough). It was to be described as a very positive time for their relationship. I suggested she tell her son that it was their relationship that she was missing, and she wanted to improve that because she loved him.

During our second coaching session, my client was thrilled. She and her son had engaged in four evenings of “meetings”. She was amazed at the change in her son’s behavior…and in her own. I was able to speak to her son as he got on the line to thank me for helping them. Wow.

Simply by catching the child being good…giving some positive praise…and time…he was thankful, and his mother was on a better journey of parenting. More importantly, the child was receiving much needed affirmation of his goodness, and enhancing his self-esteem…a critical need in adolescent development.

So often, we get caught up in our busy lives…that we must remember to slow down…make the time for ourselves and our family…and look at everything in a more positive light. In just 15 minutes a day…the journey of this mother-child relationship changed by putting positive thinking into action.

Do you take the time to catch your child in moments of success and good behavior? Think about…act on it…and please, let me know how it changes your relationship with your child!

Go! Divas! Go!
xoxo
Dabney

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