Parenting | Diva Coach Dabney

March 2, 2011

The Lessons Learned when Falling in Love with What you Do

Hello my Fabulous Friends!

I love to learn new things about myself and tend to think deeply after experiencing success or disappointment of any kind.

Yesterday, I had the most amazing experience speaking to a class of Social Media students at Syracuse University. I had so much fun and was beyond inspired by such an amazing group of our younger generation. As I spoke to them via Skype, I could see them all and in that moment, I knew one thing for sure…I was looking at our future and our successful leaders of tomorrow.

I was impressed with the magnitude of learning that is taking place on such an important topic within the walls of Syracuse University. However, what I found truly remarkable was the learning that was taking beyond those walls and into the world of Social Media.

Educating are children and youth on Social Media as Syracuse University does, should be looked upon as a model for all our school systems and Universities. Instruction is critical for our children and youth and it is critical within your world as well. If you run a business, it is vital to your success, and if you are a parent, it is your responsibility to educate yourself so you may guide your child appropriately.

Many individuals and business owners are struggling to learn Social Media organically via trial and error. When it comes to Social Media and all things related to online success most adults tell me they feel like the world is spinning and they choose to ignore online communities and tools completely.

The world is moving quickly and many of you are feeling stressed. I am not and I will tell you why. I have embraced the changes. It is my mantra…remember? We can get bitter or better. What is it going to be? When I was uncertain, I hired a coach and learned the process. I took responsibility and spent hours upon hours reading articles and researching tools, and I still do. I empowered myself with knowing the how and the why of online communities and social marketing. I embraced the new, the unknown and the opportunity to bring my business further success. I owned it.

Empowering yourself with knowledge, during anytime of uncertainty allows you to look into the face of fear and say, “Back off, I embrace my power”.

By claiming my power, I found success. Through Social Media alone, I monetized my Coaching business for one year with only a Facebook personal profile page and a twitter account. For that first year, I had no website and no advertising. Every single client found me on Facebook, personal page, not a business or fan page. I took Facebook from Scrabble to a monetized business because I took inspired action and did not let my fears hold me back. It is that simple. Social Media is not a trend, but an amazing marketing process available for free that works if done well and correctly.

I have evolved into a Social Media success and a leader in my industry. Many influence scores will show statistics and measures of “proof” that I am successful. I am now consulting for small and large business and many people look to me for answers within Social Media communities.

However, how I really “owned” and knew for certain that I had found success and have the ability to educate and lead others, is when I realized that I am having so much FUN doing what I LOVE. That is how I measure success. I claimed that true success feeling yesterday when I fell in love with speaking to a group of college students. I will be forever grateful to my “Cuse” friends for allowing me to feel the true “Fun” in what I am doing in regard to my Social Media work.

Outside of my personal relationships and family, my first love is the work I do to empower women and watching them claim their magnificence. I will always be in deep love with my Diva work and will never give it up. In my Social Media Business, I find that I continue to use the many “Diva Tools” that I toss into my coaching services provided to my Diva Clients. In both lines of work, the focus is learning how to build and maintain successful relationships and to believe in what you do and who you are.

Remember, if you do not love who you are or what you do, you will not be able to build a brand, a business, a family or life. So take a nice Diva Scrub, wash away the toxic belief of others and release all who do not support, encourage and believe in you. Toss on your Diva Dust to help you sparkle and soar. I give you my Diva Promise…if you take my advice and follow my lead, you will be slipping into some very fabulous shoes and prepared to walk into your magnificence!

Go! Divas! Go!

xoxo

Dabney

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October 7, 2010

Oh No You Didn’t Say That To Me…Dealing with the Adult Bully

Filed under: Diva Speaks,Parenting,Relationships — Tags: Adult Bully, Anti-social, boundries, Bulling, Bully, Dabney, Diva, Diva Coach Dabney, Diva Line, diva speaks, Narcisstic, Parenting, social media — Dabney @ 9:50 am

Hello my fabulous friends!

Many of you have probably been hearing much about bullies in news recently. In fact, it seems there is a marked increase of news stories reporting incidents related to “the bully”. It is clearly a problem in our society…and typically addressed as it related to the child/adolescent population.

As adults, most of can recall some type of interaction with “the bully” in our childhood. Some of us have been targets and many of us were witnesses. Years later, if we allow ourselves to recall, we are reminded of the shame we felt either as the target or the witness. Have you ever wondered what happened to “the bully”? Look around you…”the bully” is still here.

Although “the bully” in your current world, may not be the same person you had interactions with as a child…you can be sure that “the bully” of today is a grown up version of “the bully” from someone’s childhood.

You see, “the bully” never really changes. Many studies report that children and adolescents who engage in such behavior will present with anti-social and narcissistic tendencies as adults. What this means, is the school yard bully is now the person who may be emotionally bulling you today.

Let me clarify what narcissistic tendencies in adults looks like. This is the person who only seems to see situations from their view. You may call them “self centered” or “self involved”. People with narcissistic tendencies are unable to see situations outside of themselves. The personality disorder affects the way they think and process which leads to lack of empathy and insight. This individual may appear unwilling see things from “both sides”, when in fact, they are unable to do so. Most individuals with narcissistic tendencies do not take responsibility for their actions. More disturbing, is the clear observation that this person feels no remorse. In fact, the narcissistic person will frequently feel an increase in self-esteem when they get what they want by manipulating others to achieve their goal.

Now, combine the narcissist tendencies that “the bully” has with the anti-social tendencies that are often present as well. Anti-social tendencies include aggression, callousness, impulsiveness, irresponsibility, hostility, a low frustration level, marked emotional immaturity and poor judgment. A person with such issues overlooks the rights of others, feels little guilt and does not respond to punishment or consequences. Most disturbing, is that an adult with anti-social tendencies has great difficulty learning from past behaviors. In fact, this person tends to rationalize his or her behavior and place blame on others.

As you can see, “the bully” is loaded with significant issues, none of which should be taken lightly. Is there a “bully” in your world? In real life terms, most people describe “the bully” as a person who basically has a temper tantrum to gain control of others. These tantrums will lead you feeling angry or afraid. The bully will often put-down, embarrass, intimidate and engage you in behaviors that are belittling at best. Most clients tell me, and I have experienced directly, that “the bully” who walks among us as adults, will typically only target the victim in private. They have learned to go under the radar from witnesses. That part at least has changed. The “adult bully” has learned to not target on the playground. Do you know someone like this? Are you shaking your head yes?

The difficult part of defending yourself to the “adult bully” is most of us feel the need to prove to others that the behavior is occurring. Trust me on this on…you need to prove nothing. In fact, although “the bully” has learned some lessons…remember, this person does not seem to change as a result of such lessons. “The Bully”, in time will show his or true colors to many, many others. You have probably witnessed this yourself…you attempt to tell others of “the bully” and not one person believes you. Yet, months later…people are talking about their own experiences. You see, “the bully” is sadly not in control.

What you need to worry about is the present moment. If you are being targeted by “the bully”, here are some steps to take now.

Assess the relationship

If “the bully” is someone you call a friend, you must reassess the relationship and why you are in it. Be sure to read my blog post, The Friendship Divorce. If you are being bullied by anyone within your definition of family or friends, seek help to remove yourself from the relationship.

Ignore “the bully”

Remember, you will not change another’s actions, only your reactions to them. Keep in mind you are able to be empathic. Understand that “the bully” is acting out of their own insecurities, fear and pain. It is not about you. It is about them.

Do not enable “the bully”

Set those boundaries and limits. Be clear, calm and firm. State the behavior you do not like and state what is expected instead. Remember, “the bully” will typically target people who do not stand up to him/her.

Be careful

Be sure to monitor “the bully’ once you have defined boundaries. Often, this setting such limits and stating your disapproval can escalate the bully. Think about the young child who has a cookie each day after school. Suddenly you give him a carrot. What happens? Tantrums. Whenever we set boundaries with any dysfunctional relationship in our lives, the person may react badly. If “the bully” physically threatens you in any manner, seek help and report this to the authorities immediately. Remember, you are dealing with an emotionally challenged person who lacks social skills and impulse control.

Bulling can take many forms in our society. From the playground to the cooperate word…within social circles and social media… “the bully” is present. It is my hope that I have helped you to understand “the bully”. Often, understanding the “why” behind behavior, will lead to ones ability to “manage” their reactions to it.

If you are experiencing difficulties with an unhealthy relationship or dealing with “the bully” I would love to help you. If you are a subscriber to my bi-monthly “Diva Tips and News” you will receive a very special code to access a free thirty minute session with me on the Diva Line, so that we can work together on how to set boundaries and limits. If you are not a subscriber, please subscribe soon, so you can access this very special code!

I would love to hear your stories…from your past or your present in regard to bullying. Were you a victim? Were you a witness? Have you been bullied as an adult? if so, how? Do you have advice on how to manage “the bully”?

I will close with a reminder on the importance of helping our children walk through the world where “the bully” lives. Teach them well….help them set limits and boundaries. These skills will stay with them into adulthood and serve them well. But remember, in order to teach our children well, we must master the skill ourselves. I encourage you to lead by example. Stand tall, shoulders back, diva shields up…..set examples of respecting yourself and encouraging only healthy relationships!

Go! Divas! Go!

XOXO

Dabney

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September 24, 2010

Your Teen is Throwing a Global Party…Are You Home?

Filed under: Diva Speaks,Parenting — Tags: Dabney Porte, Diva Coach Dabney, Facebook, monitoring teens facebook, Parenting, parenting and facebook, Privacy on Facebook, Teens, teens and facebook — Dabney @ 1:28 am

Hello my fabulous friends!

If you follow me on Facebook, you may have seen my many posts in regard to the lack of active parenting that is taking place there. There are an increasing number of teens who are engaging on Facebook and on all forms of social media. It is the new party going on and it is probably going on in your own home, most likely in your teen’s bedroom. Through Social Media, your child has the ability to connect with the entire world. If your child chooses to attend, the party is an open door event and everyone without concern to who they are, where they are from, what their intentions are…the entire world is invited to the party. So…Your Teen is Throwing a Global Party. Are you Home?

Think about it. If your teen were to have a party in your home…would you be there? Would you discuss the invitation list? The time limits? Would you set clear limits in regard to assuring that your policy of no drugs, no alcohol and no sexual activities took place during the party? Would you be there to supervise?

My hope is that most of you answered yes to the above questions. Clearly, most of us do not allow strangers into our home. As parents, we set limits on all of the things I discussed. In the real world and in real life, you may consider yourself an actively engaged parent.

When we as parents are actively engaged with our children, it means that we know what is going on in their lives. We are aware of the friendships and we encourage healthy social relationships. We teach and set boundaries on acceptable behavior and most importantly we keep them safe.

Let me put it this way, when you are actively parenting…you are involved. What I find interesting and very concerning however, it this same type of parenting does not seem to take place as it relates to how teens are living in their “virtual” world. I have spent the last few months engaging many parents in conversation surrounding this very issue. Although my discussion would certainly not be considered scientific data…what I have learned from the parents I interviewed, is stunning.

Let me ask you what I have asked them…Are you involved in your child’s activities on social media? Do you know if they have an account? Do you monitor these accounts? Do you have all login information including passwords?

If you answered no, you must ask yourself why. When parents did answer no, and more than half did, I was shocked and dismayed by their response..

Here were the answers I heard most often:

I don’t think my teen is on Facebook.
I don’t understand Facebook
I don’t have the time for Facebook
I don’t want my teen to think I am snooping
Isn’t that like reading my teen’s diary?
He/she needs their privacy

Here were my most popular responses:

Your child is most likely on Facebook. If Facebook were a country, it is the third largest country on the globe.
You are not snooping. You are parenting.
There is no privacy on the internet, ever.
If they need a diary, and I encourage the use of one for teens, buy them one.
If you don’t have time for Facebook and are unable or unwilling to educate yourself in how it works…your teen should not be there at all.

Your job as a parent is to educate your child in all areas of life. The best way to educate your child on social networking sites like Facebook is to educate yourself first. There is a great deal of information out there. It is your responsibility to find it. Do you remember when you were pregnant with your first child? Most of us gathered every book possible to educate ourselves and prepare for motherhood. When faced with parenting responsibilities such as potty training your young child, did you say…I don’t have time to learn how to do that? I know for some of you, the task of learning how to monitor your teen on Facebook may seem particularly daunting, but that can never be an excuse for not parenting well.

So, start there. Educate yourself on how Facebook works. Get your own account and navigate the policies. Most importantly, learn and understand how the privacy settings work. I am not going to teach you how to do these things in this post, but I am encouraging you to check in, and take the responsibility to educate yourself.

I believe it is necessary for parents to have all login and password information for Facebook. You cannot assess your child’s safety settings simply by being connected as their friend. Furthermore, you are not their friend. You are their parent. Give them their space, but make it clear that there is no privacy and you will be checking in on their page regularly.

Do not allow your teen to manipulate you into the “you don’t trust me” conversation. It is not about trusting your teen. It is about not trusting a worldwide network, unlimited access to very personal and identifying information about your child. It is about good parenting and it is about keeping your child safe.

The most difficult part about checking in to this virtual world is that you will see there really is a global party going on and most parents are not aware that it is taking place. If parents would check in and monitor Facebook, they would not only protect their child form unforeseen danger, they will also see much of what is going on good and bad within their child’s life. I have seen many parties announced on Facebook. A party in my community was announced on Facebook and it took place while the parent’s were out of town. Had they only checked in, they would have seen the planning and chatter. It was all right there on the Facebook feeds and on the walls of many teens in town.

I encourage you to begin the process of educating and monitoring your child’s activity on Facebook and all forms of social media. Check privacy issues, monitor behavior to include checking photos and posts. You would be shocked to see some of the very inappropriate things put out there. Adolescence is a critical time of development and many opportunities are available to turn mistakes into teachable moments. The important thing to remember is this: If your child is making social mistakes on Facebook, they are much more difficult to recover and learn from than social mistakes made in the real world. On Facebook, error in judgment such as inappropriate picture posting, writing posts without thinking and all other impulsive behavior typical of the age group, are recorded and retrievable forever. Need I say more?

If you want more insight on how to parent effectively, be sure to sign up for my Newsletter Diva Tips and News. You can do so by leaving me your Diva In-box information in the form located next to this post! My next edition of Diva Speaks will talk about the importance of parenting with a passion and presence. Be sure to get your copy!

I would love to hear from you! Please let me know what you think in the comment section below. I would love to hear your stories and experiences that you may have in regard to this issue. Let’s learn from each other….

Go! Divas! Go!

xoxo

Dabney

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September 14, 2010

Navigating Politics & Parents

Filed under: Diva Speaks,Parenting — Tags: back to school, Dabney, diva coach, diva speaks, family life, momeo magazine, Parenting, parenting tips, parents, resource, work life — Dabney @ 12:32 am

Hello my fabulous friends!

Are you an entrepreneurial Mom looking for an on line magazine loaded with support? If so, I highly recommend MOMeo Magazine. I have found this maga zine to be an amazing resource to me over the past year. It is simply filled with great information including current articles addressing work life, family life, and parenting tips. How fabulous is that?

Recently, MOMeo Magazine published a very special Back to School Issue. I was asked to submit an article for this brilliant edition as a resource to moms. The article is titled Navigating Parents and Politics where I give tips and strategies on how you can successfully navigate the many relationships and politics that may often challenge you during the school year. Below is an excerpt of my article…..

MOMeo Back to School Guide 2010

“Often times, parents are unsure of how to handle the politics of such relationships. Many situations may occur during the school year that will test your patience and completely Boggle your mind. It is important for you as a parent, to brush up and fine-tune your backpack of social strategiesso that you too will be prepared for the upcoming school year”…

If you would like to continue reading the article, simply click on the MOMeo Magazine and download your copy for free! Let me know what you think!

Go! Divas! Go!

xoxo

Dabney

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March 19, 2010

Pull On Your Big Girl Panties And Deal With It!

Filed under: Diva Speaks — Tags: Divorce, Parenting, Women Empowerment — admin @ 2:29 pm

It’s Time to Divorce Like a Diva!

On the day that my husband of 15 years moved out of our home, I sat in my friend’s whirlpool tub … jets soothing my body … glass of wine in hand (it was 9:30 in the morning but it was five o’clock somewhere). My good friend had come to my house and taken me to hers and “cared” for me. She did this so I wouldn’t be home when “he” packed his things. As I sat there with the bubbles swirling around me, I saw a plaque on her wall. It said, “Pull on your big girl panties and deal with it.” I knew at that moment that I had found my mantra. That is what I would do. I would find my power, I would not get bitter, I would get better. I would in fact, I told myself, Divorce like a Diva!

I made it through the day … I had been preparing for it for years. You heard me … I said years. Mr. Ex and I had been in therapy during those years and remained in therapy for months after he moved out. Our goal: To have a healthy divorce. So, I was prepared — I was ready — and we made the choice together.

Years later, I find myself staring at that same plaque that now rests on my desk. Each day, I am inspired by the words. Each day, I am thankful that my family, by choice and hard work is experiencing a healthy divorce.

More importantly, I now find myself in the role of being a successful life coach to other women who are now navigating their own journey of divorce. I am on a mission to “Change the world one Diva at a time.”

What does that really mean? Let me share my definition of the word Diva, as I use it in all of my work. I define a Diva as a strong and fabulous woman who believes in herself, her strengths and her talents. She knows what she wants and goes after her dreams with integrity. She is loving, compassionate and supports and encourages healthy relationships. A true diva is open to healing, growing and defining her life on her own terms.

I am passionate about helping women just like you, find their power and walk out of the role where they play victim to their divorce and into their own magnificence. You see, we all have a choice when faced with difficult situations. We make the choice to get bitter or get better. It is choice you must make. It is really that simple.

In my work, I often see adults who continue to experience the trauma of their parent’s divorce. I have come to realize that is not only the divorce that causes trauma, which affects children into adulthood. Yet, it is the way we as parents handle the divorce, and our reactions to it, which matter most. It is this pain that adult children of divorce still experience into adulthood. The continued trauma is in reaction to parents who were unable to handle their loss and turned it into anger, rage and depression. Of course, all of these factors significantly affect children and their development in childhood and often into their adult years.

Divorce will impact our children, that is certain. If we are careful — aware of our grief, our pain, the anger — and chose to address our issues and take responsibility for our emotional health, divorce will have a far less impact.

In both my group coaching course and my private coaching practice, I tell my clients they have Diva Wings… they have the ability to soar. It is by letting go of the past that they will be successful. By letting go of the pain and the anger, a person will make room for feelings of happiness and joy. It will be difficult work, and this is where the big girl panties are necessary. PULL THEM UP! Take your power back. It is important for you and your children.

So it is again the words on the plaque that I look at on my desk that draw me in. The plaque that my friend gave me on that painful day several years ago, as I sat in the tub, bubbles swirling around me. At that moment, I knew how I would handle my divorce and now I want you to know how you can handle yours.